I’ve found my way here. Here to this place, this time, these feelings of content. I’ve learned to live with a smile on my face. I have friends by my side, every step of the way. As I am on their side.
I feel good. Whole. Content. Even happy – Sometimes.
Then… What is it that I am missing? What is this void, this nothingness, this hole that opens up in my head, where happy thoughts fall into as if sucked into a black hole, and in my heart, where light disappears into like in the deepest and darkest reaches of outer space…?
Why? Why do I feel so monstrously, overwhelmingly, inexplicably lonely, when I know I am not? Why is it this sadness refuses to go away? Why is it that, when I’m laughing I find myself crying the very next instant?
Why is it I feel invisible, thin like a whisp of cloud on the wind?
I’ve broken out of the dark too many times to tell, time and again I have broken the chains that bound me to the deepest, darkest despair.
This time what I need is so close I can see it, taste it, smell it… But when I try to hold on to it, it always falls apart, like sand, it flows through my fingers, like some intagible ghost it is shattered and rebuilt. Right before my eyes.
I see it, I taste it, I smell it… But I cannot touch it. For fear it isn’t real. But I know it is. It is only on the other side of a wall. A thin, misty wall. An ethereal wall. That is as impregnable as the thickest rampart of the highest, strongest castle in stories of old.
And I know what lies on the other side. And I know it’s all I’ve ever hoped for. And I know it is what I need.
The thin, misty castle walls were not built by me. They wall, they guard but they do not protect. They imprison.
And I will rage against these walls, I will fight until they come tumbling down, I will break them down bit by bit. Quietly and unassumingly.
Deep down I know. One way or another these thin, misty castle walls will either wither away and be blown off with the wind, letting me in… Or they will harden against me, locking my treasured hope and dream beyond unreacheable, unclimbable, indestructible walls of steel and stone.
I will always be here. One way or another. I have given up on too many hopes, too many dreams to just lay down my sword and armor and let this dragon of my dreams fly away.