Void

It’s just a big old void.

No matter how much I want to tell you how I feel or what I feel or why I feel it… It seems like no amount of words I can ever use will even come close to describing this… Void.

And that’s if I actually knew how I feel. Because I don’t.

Sad? Sure I feel sad. Lonely, you can say that. Sort of left by the wayside. Living the same old way, every old day.

Same old helplessness. Same old bouts of despair and wondering just what the hell am I doing here? What’s my purpose? It all seems meaningless.

All this effort of being the best person I can be… What the fuck for? For whose benefit? Sure as hell ain’t mine! And sure as hell ain’t for anyone else’s!

I’m floating around the edges of life. Clinging on to the vague hope of… Something! Grasping at “dreams” that disappear like so many whisps of cloud. Holding on to… What?! What am I even holding to?!

Nobody seems to give a flying fuck anyway.

Am I selfish? Self centered? A motherfucking egomaniac who only cares about himself?

Maybe.

But nobody cares. Nobody notices. Nobody even looks at me twice.

I don’t know I feel. And I’m not good at expressing how I feel. And I know I tend to not want to burden people with my bullshit.

But hey… I think I deserve something more. I never ask for attention. Sure as fuck could do with some right about now, though!

Anúncios

Ask Yourself

Sento-me. O cansaço dos dias acumula-se, pesa na mente. Um peso surdo, um ruído de fundo. O menos dos meus problemas.

Não há resposta à pergunta que nem eu próprio sei qual é. Sinto-me invisível. Atravesso os dias como neblina. Ninguém me vê, ninguém me ouve, ninguém me sente.

Não há respostas. Não há perguntas. Ou há demasiadas perguntas e demasiadas respostas.

É esta a sensação de se ser inútil? Só mais um? Banal? Sei que já não fui (inútil, banal, só mais um). Sei que me sinto assim. E, hoje, ninguém me convence do contrário.

Já passei do ponto em que preciso que “alguém me salve”. Já passei do ponto me que preciso de alguém.

Estou além disso.

Numa indefinição. Numa falta de rumo. De sentido. De alegria. De vontade.

Sinto-me sozinho e às vezes parece que ninguém quer saber (principalmente eu).

Vivid Dreams

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It’s a sunny day. They’re both walking through the city, their city, their part of the city – filled with light, sunshine, the hustle and bustle of townspeople and tourists alike.

Shyly, surreptitiously he looks at her from the corner of his eye. Her flowing hair, the curve of her shoulder as it joins her (eminently kissable) neck, her bright eyes, the mischievous smile. “Damn, am I lucky or what?!” he says inwardly “I can’t believe I met her when I did how I did…”

He’s broken out of his revery by an intense pair of eyes staring straight at his, the imptient tap of a sneakered foot on the traditional cobblestones that line streets of their city, the placement of hands on hips and the words “Are you sleeping?! I’m talking to to you! Let’s go have a drink!” briskly she turns and leads the way and it’s all he can do to follow.

They spend the whole afternoon together, marveling at their city. As if it’s the first time they see it. In a way it is, as they’ve never seen it together, through each other eyes. And they’ve found even more to bring them together.

As dusk arrives, followed swiftly by the night, they head towards the river and have a seat on the grassy banks. Uncharacteristically, she chooses to sit close to him. And it does not go unnoticed.

As they talk he notices the subtle, covert, looks she throws at him. The fact that she uses every excuse to touch him. The increased brightness in her eyes as she smiles at him… “What’s going on?” he wonders as a whole swarm of butterflies start flapping around in his stomach. He can’t help but smile back at her, touch her back and he certainly doesn’t need an excuse to look at her, he just doesn’t hold back anymore.

They go back to waling through the streets of their town, the downtown buildings (now lit by streetlights) still glow with bright colors. Suddenly she reaches out and holds his hand. He flinches, almost recoils, as if an electric current had suddenly jolted up his arm, but manages to hold it together and entwines his fingers with hers.

They stop at a crosswalk light. She turns to face him. They look at each other right smack in the eyes for a second or two (that actually feels like forever, but in a good way). She steps closer to him. Unbelievably she steps even closer. And closer… And lays her head on his shoulder. He wraps his arms around her and holds on tight, as if for dear life.

“Damn, I must be dreaming!” he says out loud, as his hand finds it’s way to her hair, she giggles, sighs and says “Then it’s a fucking good dream, and I’m having too!” and cuddles up, even closer, to him…

Just then… The alarm clock goes off… I shut my eyes tight and try to go back, to dive back into that moment… It’s no use! I can’t get her back!

All I see is beautiful blood red hair, bright eyes, naughty smile, all I feel is the touch of her hand in mine, I can actually smell her around me, on me.

Vivid dreams are the worst some people say.

Allow me to fucking disagree!

Out here looking for the good life
Tongue in my cheek and your back in my knife
I keep pushing through, my eyes right on you
Everyone says you should get away, fast as you can
But I know you’ll stay, you never fall behind
It’s always on your mind
You’re somewhere I wanna go
Nice and swift as we take it slow
Well were on our way
Don’t never hesitate
I’ll hide in the dark in the back of your brain
And laugh a little louder as we go insane
No time to waste
I never come too late
If you don’t like it
Then try it
If you don’t like it
Then try it
Oh, I believe it when I see it
I’ll believe it when I see it
You’re a misfit and I’m your freak
Dance all night till our knees go weak
We could shut this place down
No one else is around
I try hard to understand
The crush of the world in the palm of your hand
You know we sit just right
Let’s run away from the night
If you don’t like it
Then try it
If you don’t like it
Then try it
Well babe, I believe it when I see it
I’ll believe it when I see it
Tongue in your cheek and back in my knife
Out here looking for the good life
Keep on pushing through, I got eyes on you
Baby, you know that we’re on our way
Misfit and freak every single day
Sittin’ ten feet tall, let’s go take it all
If you don’t like it
Then try it
If you don’t like it
Then try it
I know you can see it, I’ll believe it
You can see it, I believe it
We’re here for a moment
So let’s own it
For a moment, so let’s own it
It’s here for the taking
Why you waiting?
This good loving is worth making

Whole Emptiness

I’ve found my way here. Here to this place, this time, these feelings of content. I’ve learned to live with a smile on my face. I have friends by my side, every step of the way. As I am on their side.

I feel good. Whole. Content. Even happy – Sometimes.

Then… What is it that I am missing? What is this void, this nothingness, this hole that opens up in my head, where happy thoughts fall into as if sucked into a black hole, and in my heart, where light disappears into like in the deepest and darkest reaches of outer space…?

Why? Why do I feel so monstrously, overwhelmingly, inexplicably lonely, when I know I am not? Why is it this sadness refuses to go away? Why is it that, when I’m laughing I find myself crying the very next instant?

Why is it I feel invisible, thin like a whisp of cloud on the wind?

I’ve broken out of the dark too many times to tell, time and again I have broken the chains that bound me to the deepest, darkest despair.

This time what I need is so close I can see it, taste it, smell it… But when I try to hold on to it, it always falls apart, like sand, it flows through my fingers, like some intagible ghost it is shattered and rebuilt. Right before my eyes.

I see it, I taste it, I smell it… But I cannot touch it. For fear it isn’t real. But I know it is. It is only on the other side of a wall. A thin, misty wall. An ethereal wall. That is as impregnable as the thickest rampart of the highest, strongest castle in stories of old.

And I know what lies on the other side. And I know it’s all I’ve ever hoped for. And I know it is what I need.

The thin, misty castle walls were not built by me. They wall, they guard but they do not protect. They imprison.

And I will rage against these walls, I will fight until they come tumbling down, I will break them down bit by bit. Quietly and unassumingly.

Deep down I know. One way or another these thin, misty castle walls will either wither away and be blown off with the wind, letting me in… Or they will harden against me, locking my treasured hope and dream beyond unreacheable, unclimbable, indestructible walls of steel and stone.

I will always be here. One way or another. I have given up on too many hopes, too many dreams to just lay down my sword and armor and let this dragon of my dreams fly away.

Secretly

I’ve been biting my tongue
Been so subtly kind
I’ve got to think so selfishly
‘Cause you’re the face inside of me
I’ve been biding my days, you see
Evidently it pays
I’ve been a friend with unbiased views
Then secretly lust after you
So now you feel lusty, you’re bored and bemused
You want to do someone else
So you should be by yourself
Instead of here with me
Secretly
Trying hard to think pure
Bloody hard when I’m raw
You’re talking out so sexually
‘Bout boys & girls & your friggin’ dreams
Now you feel lusty, you’re hot and confused
You want to do someone else
So you should be by yourself
Instead of here with me
Secretly
So now you’ve been busted, you’re caught feeling used
You had to do someone else
You shoulda been by yourself
You had to do someone else
You shoulda been by yourself
Instead of here with me
Secretly
Secretly
Secretly

Take me out of the dark

light-at-end

Um ano novo traz consigo a promessa de um novo começo. A hipótese de baralhar e voltar a dar. Deixar o menos bom para trás, concentrar as atenções no que é positivo e bom em nós mesmos.

É isso que prometi a mim mesmo que vou fazer. Quero um novo começo. Quero um novo eu, sem perder de vista quem eu sou. Vou mudar, começar de novo, porque sei que posso e consigo. E já comecei a tratar disso.

Há sempre aqueles dias. Aquelas dias em que os “mas”, os “ses”, pensamentos e ideias, tristeza, escuridão, cansaço e solidão me arrastam para baixo. Eu sei quem sou. Eu sei o que valho. Mas também sei que a força às vezes me falha (quando já não é muita para começar).

Os dias em que me quero salvar são muitos mais do que os dias em que me quero perder. Mas perco-me. Às vezes perco-me. Esqueço-me. E se me volto a encontrar a quem o devo? Muitas das vezes não é a mim. É àquele “Olá, bom dia”. Àquele sorriso que sei que está do outro lado. Àquela vontade de me ver feliz e bem.

Se não tenho força por mim, há quem ma dê. Sem nunca perder a própria.

Como é que se retribui isso? Como é que se paga? Como é que se agradece? Erguendo a cabeça. Lutando por mim. Fazendo com que a vida seja menos assustadora. Sendo feliz, não pelos outros mas por mim.

O caminho até chegar aqui tem sido duro. Tenho-me perdido (muitas vezes). Ainda ando à procura do sítio onde pertenço. Ainda não sei muito bem o que quero para mim. Mas eu vou chegar lá.

Until you crash
Until you burn
Until you lie
Until you learn
Until you see
Until you believe
Until you fight
Until you fall
Until the end of everything and all
Until you die
Until you’re alive

Don’t save me, don’t save me, ‘cause I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, ‘cause
I don’t care

Until you give
Until you’ve used
Until you’ve lost
Until you lose
Until you see, how come you believe?
Until you’ve lived a thousand times
Until you’ve seen the other side
This is my chance, this is my chance

Don’t save me, don’t save me, ‘cause I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, ‘cause
I don’t care

Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe

This is my chance, this is my chance
I’ll take it now because I can
This is my chance, I want it now

Don’t save me, don’t save me, ‘cause I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, ‘cause
I don’t care

Save me, save me, save me
Save me, save me, save me
I don’t care

The Unnamed Feeling

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There is no explaining the way I feel, sometimes. No rationalizing, no defining.
All I feel, sometimes, is a hole. A hole somewhere in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.
A sort of emptiness, hopelessness but mostly loneliness.
There’s so much I miss, so much I never truly had in my life. So much to learn, discover.
I have so much to give. Just no one to give it to.
I guess that’s what I miss most. Someone to share all this with.

I know I’m not alone. But I just feel so lonely…

Been here before, couldn’t say I liked it
Do I start writing all this down?
Just let me plug you into my world
Can’t you help me be un-crazy?

Name this for me, heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if I could I’d turn my eyes
To look inside to see what’s comin’

It comes alive
It comes alive
It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
It comes alive
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

Been here before [Repeat: x6]

I’m frantic in your soothing arms
I can not sleep in this down filled world
I’ve found safety in this loneliness
But I can not stand it anymore

Cross my heart, hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it’ll be here soon

It comes alive
It comes alive
It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
It comes alive
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more

Oh, I die, I die, I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
Takes me

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
Takes me away!

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
Takes me away!

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

Get the fuck out of here
I just want to get the fuck away from me
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I hate it all, Why? Why? Why me?

I cannot sleep with a head like this
I want to cry, I want to scream
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I want to hate it all away